Carol Gano - Sorry

Sorry.

I'm sorry Mum I never told you about dad's truths omission. Yes, when I was taking the train daily with him back from uni, one day he'd not expected I had caught his train. I boarded at the last minute and slowly made my way to his usual carriage. There he was sitting next to a woman as fixated on previous decades as him, sitting closer to her that I'd ever seen my parents sit. And holding the hand of a woman I didn't know.

It's probably why you questioned or verbally pushed him for the answers that your intuition revealed.

He punched you and screamed at you.

There is never any question in my mind who was more intelligent. It was always you Mum.  Plus you were an early adapter.

I think Dad was jealous of your progressive attitudes, your intellect and ability to juggle the brave new world.

His "girlfriend" sitting next to him like a high schooler was ensconced in the make-up, dress and hairdo of the 1950s, dumb as a doorknob.

Not you, you adventurous teenager- marrying an American sailor against your father's wishes. You wanted to see the world or at least get out of Brisbane. But, grandfather was correct.  He wasn't worth you; he never did what a loving husband would have done. You created your own happiness though.

I have my own take. 

      MEN are liars!

My father begged me not to tell his wife, you, that he was untrue. You often questioned him and each time you'd ended up with a black eye, the telephone ripped out of the wall or some other masculine show of aggression. All to prove he was faithful.

Just how she knew how irrelevant his words were is beyond me, but what transpired in our nuclear family due to this reality generated a deep distrust of men.   All three daughters married and then all 3 divorced.

Each became strong women, unwilling to put up with what you, our mother suffered.  The eldest sister layered her emotions with fat to protect herself, the younger sister developed allies among her household staff in South America.

Me, I just postponed it till I met a smart man that would never raise a hand to me. 

I'm sorry mom. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I had my reasons. But it's not that I didn't think that you would cope, it's not that I feared you'd kill him.  Rather I was a romantic I wanted your infidelity situation to go away. It was the final years of my teens and as history repeats the love of my life was hiding he was married. Your learning of your husband's lie wouldn't have done anything useful. (Although, who was I to make that decision for you?)

Though what it did was destroy my respect for my father. I didn't want his dishonesty to make you sad or to make your life Less or to destroy what you believed was sacred love.

My aim was not siding with my father.

Rather, protecting you from a final truth.

You, my mother, who regardless of whatever I did or said or tried to be supported me throughout your entire life.

I still miss you. Though Dad, well I'll never get over how he betrayed you, his wife.