Kevan Smith – Age

Age, age, does not weary them, but makes them get the absolute shits!

I hate this, I now tell jokes that my daily exercise is tying up my shoelaces, that if I drop something, I leave it there till I drop something ‘really important’, kick it over to the first thing just “to make doing exercise” a worthwhile activity.

I like how remote controllers reduce getting up and down but hate how my thumb now has bulging muscles it’s not supposed to have.

Washing up is a three-day saving activity so I can get a sore back before I finish and call ‘that’ exercise.

Taking tracky pants off is “doing the march” so I don’t have to bend down.

Jammies are now an all-day apparel – unless I go shopping.  Shopping, oh the great hunter gathering of the week!  Sometimes I even go shopping twice-a-week just ‘cause I am now a fitness nut.

Doctors’ appointments are now red-letter days!  I sit and wait in the corner at home, salivating, till I’m ready to go.  Then, tell them two hours of blither if they want to hear it or not.

Usually, they ask “how are you?” and I answer with a casual “Oh, fine, great!” and then rabbit on with every miniscule detail of the last month - until their eyes roll back, their head plops forward and they start to dribble.  I’m not insensitive, I can pick these miniscule actions up quickly.

The other day I even caught the doctor’s secretary turning white when she saw me and rush off to the dunny.  I know how she feels, diarrhoea can happen that quickly.

Back to shopping, I love it when people, total strangers, do something, anything, and I make comment about it (often without provocation and behind their backs).  This scares the shyte out of them, their wide eyes and feared expressions as they mumble incoherently and struggle their over-full shopping trolley down the aisle is such a joy to behold.  

The few check-out-chicks on these days put ‘Closed’ signs out as crotchety pensioners approach.

Dog owners cross the street looking very busily at their phones.  Even more fun when they don’t see cars coming.  Everyone has fun shouting and screaming then!