Vesna McMaster - The Lolly Factory, or, How to Write a Novel in 4,385 Easy Steps

‘There are no words to this song,

Hey lolly lolly lo,

You make them up as you go,

Hey lolly lolly lo.’*

Step 1. Have a brilliant idea (preferably while drunk, in love, infuriated, or all of the above) and scrawl a two-sentence outline on a napkin.

Step 2. Earn the disapproval of the waiter for destroying the table linen.

Step 3. Purloin the napkin (they don’t care anymore anyway) and forget how you managed to get home.

Step 4. Take some Alka-Seltzer when you wake up. Realise you’ve lost the napkin.

Step 5. Daydream while performing monotonous chores for a few days. Work up excitement.

Step 6. Tell yourself ‘This is serious’ and flesh out an intro sequence. You’re not sure where it’s going but assure yourself it’ll sort itself out, and start bashing out those memorable sentences that are pinging off the walls of your skull.

Step 7. Neglect a task necessary for survival (such as paid work, cooking, remembering you have offspring in need of sustenance) and then berate yourself for being frivolous.

Step 8. Come back to the story three weeks later and wonder what the hell you were thinking.

(Steps 9 – 659 are skipped here.)

Step 660. Come back to it and reckon you’re in this far, you can’t let all that work go to waste. Delete Chapter 8 because it just isn’t working.

Step 661. Panic and reinstate Chapter 8.

(…)

Step 1,852. Type ‘The End’. You have a final draft! Tell the entire world. Enjoy daydreams of your Netflix contract. Indulge a bit.

Step 1,853. Take an Alka-Seltzer and some Nurofen.

Step 1,854. You admit that although it’s probably perfect as it is, it’s customary to revise a draft, so you might as well.

Step 1,855. Have a dialogue with yourself, as you must be the worst writer in history and what the hell have you been doing all this time. You’ve never seen such a pile of garbage.

(…)

Step 2,540. Update your spouse that you’ve revised up to Chapter 5. They pour you some more wine and change the subject.

(…)

Step 2,600. Update your spouse that you've revised the revision of the revision of the revision of the revision of Chapter 5. They pour you both large whiskies and swiftly take an unusually large gulp.

(...)

Step 3,852. Start contacting proof-readers.

Step 3,853. Take out a bank loan.

Step 3,854. Write to the proofer that you need more time to revise.

(…)

Step 4,252. Get some more hair dye because you’ve turned quite grey.

(…)

Step 4,385. Your novel is complete.

Like the lollies in the song, ‘there are no words’ to this process. You make it up as you go.

This ditty is not my invention, but the delightful’* creation of Muffin Songs, and can be enjoyed by all at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4J65FCNgM1Y