‘I can’t do it, Marge.’   ‘Yes you can, all you need is reach a bit further.’   ‘I can’t! My belly’s in the way!’   ‘Breathe in and stretch! Imagine you’re at my yoga class.’   ‘Fuck, Janice. I’m not into yoga and you know that.’   A large clot of soot falls into the hearth and explodes into a fine black mist. Tim starts choking violently.   ‘Oh, love, are you OK? Come back out.’   ‘I can’t!’ He barely got five words out before being overcome by another fit of coughing. Janic

‘It’s all because of the bloody Romans.’   ‘What?’   ‘Aunt Lizbeth threatened to disinherit me.’   ‘Seriously? What did the Romans have to do with it?’ ‘She got really pissed when she chipped her tooth. She’d just got it crowned. I think she was joking but she went a paler shade of beige when she bit down on that.’   ‘The Romans chipped her tooth, and you’re getting disinherited?’   ‘No, she chipped it because there was a bit of stone in the cake I brought for tea.’   ‘OK…’  

‘We don’t know anything about this girl. You can’t just go and marry her.’   ‘But Mum she’s a princess.’   ‘So she says.’   ‘Look, the Pintocratic Kingdom is right here. Here’s a picture of her.’   ‘Hm.’   Her Majesty gazes down her nose at the Wikipedia page. ‘We’ll test that.’   The next morning, the Queen greets the stranger whom her son had brought in out of a storm, and who claimed to be royalty from the Kingdom of Pinto.   ‘How did you sleep?’   ‘Oh, terribly. The silk

Penkethman’s Pest Exterminators. Peter Penkethman had built the business up from nothing. Not it was a household name. If you’re about to obliterate something you’ll ‘go the full Penkethman’ on it. ‘Call Penkethman’s on this one!’ goes the cry when there’s a right royal cock-up to deal with. Penkethman’s takes the town to the cleaners. Arachnids, aphids, bedbugs, caterpillars, roaches, rats, rabbits… The family business is responsive to community needs, and if Mrs Bramble has

‘He’s off the rails.’   ‘You really need to rein him in.’   ‘Rein in? How? I don’t have any say here.’   ‘You have a say when he spends half the annual budget on flying a speaker in from Germany.’   ‘That was a bit crazy.’   ‘Crazy? I was the one who had to host him for a week. Brian just told me it was happening and that was that.’   ‘Bit irresponsible.’   ‘The other group members don’t know what to make of it. I think no-one quite feels they can say anything.’ She sips her

‘I didn’t know where to look, I swear.’ ‘What do you mean? She couldn’t really have.’ ‘I tell you, she was sitting there, dressing gown hanging open, holding two massive cabbage leaves on her tits, snot all down her face, crying her eyes out. I don’t know if I was more embarrassed at the tits, or the snot.’ Shery’s eyes widen. ‘Ooh. I see.’ ‘You do, do you? I didn’t.’ ‘She must have mastitis.’ ‘Glad it all makes sense to you. I turned round on my heel straight up but she yell

Palm to palm is holy palmer’s kiss.   Hand   Give me your hands.   When April, with its showers sweet, the drought of March has pierced to the root, then people get itchy feet and want to go on pilgrimages. Trot trot trot to Canterbury.   Palms, hands, pilgrims, applause, handshakes, agreements, matrimony, business deals – further and further from the tree. Palm trees entirely obliterated by their metaphor, overshadowed by symbolism. 2,600 species of palms, waving in balmy cl

I thought it was geophysics that drew me to her. Nothing to do with volition. Asphalt ley lines through the concrete jungle, inexorable. Power lines through the earth, sparking, dangerous. There I was one day and Zap, I’m toast. Earth, water, electricity. What I didn’t know was that she’d been 'dowsing' - that’s what I’m renaming stalking. Dowsing for attention. How could I know that the serendipitous coincidence of interests was months in the planning? I should have been mor

‘Amo, amare, amavi, amatus’   The TV screen is grainy. The school collars and accents starched and restrained. The colour absent. They watch the old new clip with ill-concealed shock.   ‘See that, Lily? You could have had to learn Latin by rote. If you didn’t parrot everything out, you got the cane.’   Lily squints at the screen.   ‘Where are the girls?’   ‘Hmph. Good point. Anyway get your nutrition assignment done before dinner. Easier than Latin at least.’   Lily raises an

Shit. What am I going to do if this goes tits up?   It’s my first proper heist with the Barnsley Boys and I have everything to prove. Got to be honest, not happy with my ‘Posh Nonce’ nickname. Anyway, the target is the new outpost of the Camden Crawler. They had the cheek to set up practically in our backyard. Can’t say as I blame the bosses for losing their shit. Why Michael had to pick me to be the main muscle I have no idea. He had an evil glint in his eye. Mind you he alw