Vesna McMaster – It’s a mess

‘It’s all because of the bloody Romans.’

‘What?’

‘Aunt Lizbeth threatened to disinherit me.’

‘Seriously? What did the Romans have to do with it?’

‘She got really pissed when she chipped her tooth. She’d just got it crowned. I think she was joking but she went a paler shade of beige when she bit down on that.’

‘The Romans chipped her tooth, and you’re getting disinherited?’

‘No, she chipped it because there was a bit of stone in the cake I brought for tea.’

‘OK…’

‘The stone was there because – well I dropped the cake on the way there. Five second rule! What was I supposed to do, come empty-handed? It was raining.’

‘You dropped it in the wet?’

‘Probably better than in the try. Less dusty.’

‘I see. … Romans?’

I had to park in the really inconvenient place, and then bend awkwardly to put it in the car. Because I can’t park outside my house at the moment, as you can see.’

He waves his hand in the general direction of the earthmovers ripping up the footpath at the front of the house.

‘Ah.’ She nods safely. Then stops, and wrinkles her brow, pleadingly. ‘Romans?’

‘It’s such a goddam mess out there because all they were going to do was change the cables, but then they go and dins some Roman cobbles. Some bright spark raised the alarm, and not it’s all Oh we can’t cover this up, National Trust, where does this lead, Oh look it follows the current path, funnily enough, and there you have it, endless mess.’

‘Really? That’s fun.’

‘Fun? Yes if you don’t have to navigate past a couple of millennia every time you step out your door. Now who know when I’ll get that cable? Damned inconvenient.’

‘It’s a bit of a mess, isn’t it?’