Elaine Abery - Glow

I wake up. Just wake up. Go through my daily morning routine. Try to find a spark, some joy.

Just like yesterday. And the day before.

I had always been an optimist. I’m told that just by walking into a room, I raise the energy. That I’m a joy-bringer. Sometimes, people react violently to that energy.

It’s June 2021. I’m not feeling any joy. Some days, I look back to the pre-covid me and wonder who that person was. The spark in her eyes looks… unfamiliar.

Is it just covid-lockdown lonely isolation ho-hum? Is it perimenopause?

Or is this THE REST OF MY LIFE?

Is this what people mean when they say ‘couldn’t be bothered’? Or what one of my friends calls apathy?

I don’t like this new me very much.

Healthier food? TICK. More fresh veggies and fruit? TICK. Less processed food? TICK. More exercise? TICK. Less exercise? TICK. More sunshine? TICK. More outdoors? TICK. Dress as thought I’m heading into an important meeting? TICK. Stay in flannelette PJs and ugg boots all day? TICK.

What have I not tried?

Talking about it risks making it concrete. Risks creating a new reality – this reality – by my spoken words.

The phone rings. ‘Have you swum recently? I want to get back into swimming.’

‘Not since my operations a few weeks ago.’

‘See you at Bar Beach? Tomorrow 11am?’

‘Ok.’

My car automatically drives itself to Merewether Baths.

‘You’re late. I wasn’t sure you would come.’

‘Sorry. I drove to the Baths by default.’

‘Let’s go. You ready?’

I haven’t been in the ocean for years. I follow her, slowly.

‘Come on! It’s gorgeous.’

The spray coming off the waves creates rainbows. My bowels want to empty. I don’t remember how to duck under a wave.

Somehow, slowly, painfully, stopping to breathe frequently, I follow my friend.

‘I don’t remember if I’ve ever been this far out.’

‘We are behind the waves now. The waves can’t get you. Focus on swimming. And breathing.’

It takes 15 minutes to swim 100 metres.

Then, all of a sudden, it hits me. The peace. I stop struggling for breath. I stop fighting. My eyes start seeing.

‘There’s a ray!’

When we exit the ocean, I feel something. Something I haven’t felt for a while.

Ocean swimming has become my happy place. Where I go to find peace.

And after every swim, I look at the glowing faces of my swimming friends. The colder the water, the deeper the glow. The longer it lasts.