Ricci Schwarzler - Age

I’m waiting to see the doctor and contemplating her comments about every issue I have relating to age. Oh dear here it comes.

‘Well yes your aches and pains are due to your age.’

‘What?’

‘Yes, as we get older our bodies just aren’t what they used to be.’

‘Hang on how old do you think I am?’

‘Oh well it doesn’t matter.’

‘Do you really say that to someone who’s 20?’

‘Oh well no.’

‘Okay so stop putting every fucking issue I have down to age and listen to what I’m telling you?’

She looks at me sheepishly and I decide I’m over it.

‘Actually fuck it I’ll find someone else less condescending.’

With that I stand up abruptly and walk to the door. I turn to face her astonished face.

‘And if you think I’m paying for that poor excuse for medical advice, you can stick it in the orifice below your coccyx’

I storm out and glare at the obnoxious receptionist who thinks she’s so superior, and I explain nicely ‘And you can fuck right off too.’

I get home and of course I’m still in pain, back hips, buttocks, thighs, hamstrings, kneed, calf. Pretty much from my waist down. I grabbed my phone and Google. Nothing like DIY medicine. How hard can it be? We all have a body and have had it all our lives, we should be pretty knowledgeable.

Weeks later I found an awesome doctor who was actually concerned with my pain. I see a specialist, who for all intents and purposes actually seems human, and I’ve had injections into my spine.

Oh my god, whose body is this? Did they replace my mind into someone’s body who looks just like me?

Oh my god I can’t believe it. Very little pain. I can bend, twist, turn. Muscles I thought were weak aren’t. The nerves were out of control sending pain to where ever they damn well felt like. Making my fucking life miserable. Gaining weight because exercise was all too painful, but also because my muscles were saying…

‘Fucking hell I’m sore.’

My body was saying…

‘Yes you are. You’re stressed and because you’re stressed, I’m hanging onto every piece of fat because stress means the environment is bad and you’re running out of food.’

‘Store more fat’, my body’s cells cry out.

But no, they don’t need to now. I’m not in pain, I’m not stressed. I tried to explain that to my body but it’s saying

‘No, I’m worried you could starve.’

‘It’s okay’ I explain. ‘I’m not in pain and not stressed.’

‘YES YOU Are.’

’NO, I’M NOT. Now relax and let go.’

’NO, you need to eat more.’

’NO, I don’t, STOP IT.

‘EAT, EAT.’

’STOP IT.’

I have a little heart to heart with my body and explain that I no longer need all this fat. I’m okay. We’re going to be okay and we’ll be so much better if I don’t eat so much and we lose weight.

With that I go to the kitchen and get another finger bun.