Ricci Schwarzler - Flat

It was a boiling hot day, and Doug decided to nick down to Isabell’s for a swim. He wasn’t really worried about seeing her, he just needed her pool. When he arrived, Isabell was already in the pool. She had a few of her friends from the group there and everyone was relaxed and chilling out. There was an ever so slight moan from them when he pushed the gate open, but he didn’t notice.

He nodded to them all. 

He looked her up and down as he dived in, she had an athletic body but slightly lacking on the boob front, and in a nano-second, had a degrading comment ready for her when he surfaced. He was very smug because he could deliver this one in front of everyone, again. He couldn’t help to be pleased with himself. He was always delivering these lines to her, and he loved thinking about of new ones. He was so clever. He knew it.

In the nano-second meantime, she was wondering what the hell he was doing there. Bludging off her again. She only saw the jerk when he wanted something. They’d known each other a few years and were part of the same group, but in the last 12 months she had tried to distance herself from him. To her he was an old dinosaur. It was the 1990’s and he was 30, but he acted like he was born in the 40’s. He still had the misogynistic, racist, chauvinist attitude of a man from the previous generation. His modus operandi was to give nasty, degrading comments to women, coloured people, people from other cultures, homosexual people and anyone else who didn’t fit his rule. What was his rule? White, white, white, male and LOVES women…although she felt that he says he LOVES women way too much…

She wasn’t a nasty person, but she was sick and tired of him and his stupid games. Games to say things that annoyed her. He wanted her to bite, but after the first few times she never bit again. Games to make her do something stupid, to see if he could influence her to do it, even though it might be dangerous. He never succeeded, but it didn’t stop him from trying…over and over.

She hadn’t seen him for a while. He had a new girlfriend. Poor woman. But she was away this weekend, so he deemed it necessary to impose himself on her. Poor her. This one would probably last as long as the others. Two weeks was the average.

Unbeknownst to him, she’d seen him at the beach yesterday. Walking back over the sandhills. What had he been doing?

Doug surfaced.

‘God, look at you!’ He yelled out.

‘Mm’

‘Your chest is so flat, you could use it as a chessboard! Hahahah’ He was laughing at his own hilarity, but nobody else was.

‘Beg your pardon?’

‘You heard’, he laughed but felt he’d lost the upperhand.

‘No sorry I missed it.’

‘Ha, I said you’re so flat you could play chess off your chest! Hahahahha.’ Big smirky smile on his face.

‘Oh right.’

Laughing some more at what was also going to be hilarious…for him, he said ‘Why don’t you wear a push up bra to try to get something in there?’ More laughter. Everyone was silent but smirking. He thought they were smirking because he was so clever…of course.

‘Well Doug, judging by what I can see in your budgie smugglers, I’d be considering putting a codpiece in there, if I were you?’

A look of confusion, distaste and annoyance crossed his brain, then it made it to his face.

‘If anyone needs some prosthetic assistance it’s you. Look at you. You should be embarrassed. You’re so lacking in the manhood stakes.’

Doug spluttered and tried a comeback. ‘Yeah, when are you getting the push up bra, haha?’

But it was futile. His day had come.

‘Actually Doug, I had a chat with my gay friend who heard about your antics behind the sandhills with a gay friend of his.’ Doug turned red, panic set in. Where was this going?

‘There could be no codpiece large enough, nor enough Viagra or a blow-up implant that could help you. You can’t satisfy the women and now you’re trying the guys. Don’t waste your time. It’s all around the gay scene now and I helped it get there. Get out of my life. We don’t want your stupid archaic views. You’re not funny. All you do is show what a dinosaur you are.’

Everyone nodded.

He grabbed his towel, walked out the gate and heard the silence behind him. They didn’t burst into laughter. They were good people. They didn’t like to see someone suffer but it was his time. It had to happen. Dinosaurs had to be made extinct.