Ricci Schwarzler - Friends

They arrived as if by magic. My relatives. The scroungers. Always on the prowl for a handout. Oh my god, I can’t stand them. Look at them.

My mother, lives with her rich sugar daddy…who incidentally didn’t end up being so rich, and not only used up any money she had left, but then had to sell his fancy house, car and boat to pay his debts. So now they both live hand to mouth, but with an aristocratic lifestyle and expecting me to pay for everything.

Here they come up the drive. Walking. They think we don’t know that they can’t afford their own car. But I know.

‘Oh Darling, how lovely to see you.’

‘Yes mother, I suppose it is.’ She ignores my sarcasm. It’s actually like water off a duck’s back. She’s like Teflon, nothing sticks.

Her poor excuse for a partner stands beside her looking like he owns the world.

‘Kate, nice to be invited.’

‘Actually Dave, I didn’t invite you, mother did.’

Again, that Teflon works a wonder for them both.

‘Oh lovely! Champagne.’ Mother heads straight for the fridge to see how many bottles are there. ‘Oh lovely, Darling, you seem to have so much champagne, and the good stuff too. You won’t mind if Mummy takes some home will you?’

‘Well yes I will actually.’

Laughing, ‘Oh you’re soooo funny Darling’ and immediately wanders off with a bottle and two glasses. Her creature follows her, looking around the house to see what’s new…and valuable.

Next at the door is my brother and his creature. Although I can’t really tell which is the creature. I think he and his wife hold the title jointly. Same, same, in they come. Fake salutations, distracted by what else is new in the house. Their feral children run past, sans salutations, and get straight into the food, like puppies starved by the pound. Their parents, fatter than fat, look like they have eaten their own children. It’s only because the kids turn up that I know it’s not so.

When will this ever end?

But of course, it wasn’t going to was it? My other two disciples of Beelzebub, my sisters, were still to come. Whilst waiting I could see my brother and his creature putting food into the cooler bag.  I thought it contained maybe one bottle of wine for the celebration. But I’m pretty confident that it was empty when they came in and was brought as a refillable bag, without being filled in the first place.

Oh, here they come, Satan’s little minions. Goneril and Regan. That wasn’t their names but I liked to think of them like that. My Dad was King Lear and hopefully I was his Cordelia. Anyway, Gail and Rhonda rocked up. Yes, they too skipped the salutations to rush past waving a hello as I held the door open for them. As usual they went straight for the alcohol. Guzzling it down like water. Bottles were emptied by them all and piling up on the bench.

‘Oh dear Sweety we seemed to have run out of champers.’

‘Oh dear Mum really. I wonder how that happened. Maybe you could get one of my siblings to race across the street to the bottle shop.’

‘Oh of course dear. Do you have a few pennies for them?’

I reached into my purse which I kept on my person when they all arrived and grabbed out some money.

More alcohol came back. Bottles of cheap, nasty bubbles because who would want quality over quantity. They all cheered.

The food disappeared and they were still hungry. I got more food out of the freezer. Why was I wasting my seafood lasagne and other gourmet treats on them? But they were almost salivating on the floor and I was scared I’d slip over in it.

My friend arrived as she always did on Xmas afternoon. It wasn’t that she wanted to be with them, but she wanted to support me. We exchanged that knowing, frustrated look as she walked in.

Immediately they took her bags and esky and started unpacking it for her. Thrilled with the contents they started to devour it.

When the day was finally done and they were about to leave, my friend Darcy came and put her comforting arm around my shoulders. I went limp, my shoulders sagged, and my breath exhaled. If that was the end of it, it would be ok. But I knew they would be there always, year after year.

Ringing every month of so for money, help, or more money.

Darcy said quietly, ‘I have a little surprise for you’.

I was exhausted and the only surprise I could have was if someone dropped them all home and I could put my feet up.

‘Oh really, what is it?’

‘I have booked a driverless car to take them all home.’

‘Oh my god, you what? How? Oh, thank you soooo much.’

Darcy told them and the excitement was profound. They quickly packed up their bags with my stuff. Platters, bottles of spirits, food and anything else they fancied. It didn’t matter to me as I had already moved all my nice things into the spare room and locked it. Like David Jones for Boxing Day, I’d brought out all the cheap stuff and pretended it was very valuable. Then not quite put it on sale but let them take it home for free. A great way to get rid of any rubbish I had acquired. Darcy always brought any of her junk over the day before. It was our one highlight in an otherwise disastrous day.

The driverless car pulled up. With great excitement they all climbed in, bags bulging. Darcy and I added a few boxes of crap we had to the back of the car.

Darcy was also super excited. She was like a kid going to the beach for the first time. I’d not seen her like this for ages and certainly not on Xmas day with this lot.

We happily waved good-bye as the car drove them down the long steep driveway.

I sighed with relief and said, ‘Let’s get inside. It’s Gin o’clock, thank you sooo much.’

‘Not yet’, Darcy said softly. ‘You haven’t had the surprise yet.’

‘What I thought…’ with that the car had reached the end of the drive and exploded into flames.

‘Oh my God!’ I exclaimed. I started to run but Darcy stopped me.

‘It’s ok,’ Darcy said, ‘there’s no hope for them, I programmed the doors so they can’t be unlocked.’ She turned me around. ‘Let’s get that G&T.’

I stopped for a moment, then laughed and put my arm around her ‘Yep its Gin o’clock…for the rest of my life!’