Ricci Schwarzler - Kefir

I’ve been asked if I wanted some Kefir. I knew what it was, but I had no idea that you actually grew the stuff. I picked up my jar of Kefir without really noticing. I popped it into the car and drove home.

When I got home, I walked into the kitchen and put it on the bench, and noticed with alarm that the glass jar was looking rather concerned. I looked closer at it and then noticed that the Kefir was looking out with evil intent…even though it doesn’t have a face. Every little granule exuded evil. It was deeply alarming and somewhat unusual.

I shook my head to shake away the thoughts of such a weird situation. With that I went about my business but every now and then I caught the worrying vibe of the jar out of the corner of my eye. I chose to go on with my business and completely ignore the jar, even though I started to feel somewhat worried for it, and sympathetic, and actually sad that I wasn’t really paying attention. Stop being cruel. I thought to myself this jar is in distress but what should I do? I’ve never dealt with Kefir before, or a jar that seem to be worried.

I kept the jar for a few days and after talking to a friend she mentioned that she loved Kefir and also grew her own, and she had herds of jars of Kefir in her kitchen. She said she would take it for the childcare centre that she worked at. The cook there could use it for some of the meals.

What she didn’t know was that the cook was rather inexperienced with Kefir and she clearly didn’t realise the worried expression from the jar…and the evil intent from the Kefir granules themselves. I thought, being experienced she would’ve known these things, but clearly she was ambivalent or just ignorant…or both.

There was an unfortunate incident when the chef opened the jar and the intent of the Kefir changed from evil, to evil with a touch of joy at being freed. The jar on the other hand was deeply concerned and quite frankly in a panic. If it could sprout legs and run away it would. But we all know that would be ridiculous.

Whilst the chef’s back was turned, the Kefir began to multiply and overflow the jar. First it took over the table and then gave an evil…but not audible laugh, which most malcontents seems to adopt. It started spreading onto the floor. At this point the chef who was so engrossed in her blade sharpening that she didn’t realise what she had unleashed. It wasn’t until the Kefir had covered the floor and had reached the height of her ankles that she realised something was seriously amiss.

She screamed and ran out the door with the knife in hand. This led to two unfortunate events. One being the fact that she was screaming and running around a childcare centre with a knife in hand…at child pick up time, and the other was, that in her haste to run around a childcare centre screaming with a knife in hand, at pick up time, she left the door to the kitchen open. As my intelligent readers can see, this was not a good idea.

The Kefir being further freed was now, quite frankly, over the moon. They had left their intent of evilness behind them and instead moved onto an intent to simply -

Take over the world! Whaaahahah they laughed inwardly and with great malcontent. Today the childcare centre with the Little children! Tomorrow the world!!! Whaaahaha again.

Obviously they are Kefir granules so they don’t actually talk so I can’t put their words into quotation marks but as my readers know, we can all hear their inaudible vibes.

At first the children thought it was an utter hoot to have these granules flowing through the childcare centre and covering the entire place. They ran through kicking it around with gay abandon. Naturally was not what the Kefir thought might happen. In the Kefir’s entitled self-absorbed way they thought they were going to be doing the damage.

What they didn’t expect was the equally entitled and self-absorbed way of small humans. They were now up against an enemy that they didn’t understand. Their battle strategy had to change and instead of taking over the world, (as dumbstruck adults stared at them in mild astonishment, because this sort of thing doesn’t happen in adulthood), they now had a much more evil adversary.

Some of the parents, (those more attune to the potential character traits of Kefir), could pick up on the vibe that the Kefir was putting out, and realised that this sort of thing was just not quite normal. They started to grab their children in a panic to get them out of the place with words to the director of the childcare centre like, ‘I’ll be reporting this!’ or ‘How could you let this happen?’

Those parents that were not quite so attuned to the evilness of Kefir, while still looking dumbfounded, did pick up that some adults around them were trying to grab their children in panic, and drag them out. So as with all good adults they followed the others blindly and started grabbing their children, to drag them out. They repeated the same statements to the director even though they didn’t actually know why they were saying it.

It now became clear to the Kefir that this was a serious situation. The children kicked their counterparts into the air, whilst laughing, screaming and thoroughly enjoying themselves with their own evil intent. Apparently small humans tend to range in size according to their age, but on the whole, they were about waist deep in Kefir, which now meant that they could grab handfuls of it easily and throw it at each other, their parents, the wall, the teachers.

The Kefir looked on in astonishment as fallen comrades lay splattered against the wall, splattered on other children and splattered on adults, on the merry-go-round and even disrespectfully on their former prison…the glass jar.

Their maniacal plan of once being freed, to carry out world domination was coming to an end. The enemy ran through stomping on more and more of them. It was getting harder and harder for the Kefir who remained stoic, to remain in-the-fight, as they began to be crushed by the weight of their fallen comrades.

When the emergency services arrived, sirens blazing, hazmat suits fitted obsessively (obviously they had fought Kefir before) they could see the children had won the battle. The children’s entitlement and self-absorption had been far greater than any would-be world dominating piece of Kefir. The Kefir who remained breathing their last breaths, had never known or heard of such an adversary.

The emergency services made the mistake of spraying water onto the Kefir and whilst some of the comrades thought they could try for another push, the devastation was too great, and no amount of water was going to make a difference. Their adversaries now giggling and joyous with the pride of success, skipped to their parents, grabbed their hands and skipped out of the centre and back home, for a well-deserved, heroic, afternoon nap.

Not one Kefir survived to tell the tale, and so this mighty battle goes down in history as usual by the Victor as, “ Mummy that was so much fun can we do that tomorrow?”