Writing sample 1 – Cosy mystery

Mrs Bell had always been an extremely tidy woman, and her cottage was absolutely spotless. She was very upset when she discovered the muddy footprint on the kitchen floor. It was large, black and rather horrible. She immediately knew something was wrong. She went into the garden to investigate, feeling quite nervus. The garden was beautiful, with colourful flowers everywhere and a lovely old apple tree in the middle. Suddenly, she noticed that one of the branches was broken. There was a small scrap of blue fabric caught on it.

Critique:

Positive: The genre is clear. Easy to read. The last sentence sets up suspense.

Could improve: It is not a full story. Sentence length could be more varied. Some adjectives and intensifiers could be reduced: ‘extremely tidy’, ‘absolutely spotless’, ‘very upset’. There is a typo in ‘nervus’. The description of the muddy footprint — ‘large, black and rather horrible’ — sounds more like a description of a creature than a footprint. Typo: ‘nervus’.