Writing sample 2 – Children’s story

Milo was the smallest dragon in the kingdom, but he wanted to be brave more than anything. One morning, he decided to climb the tallest mountain. It was a very big mountain, and the climb was extremly difficult. Milo was tired and scared, but he kept going because he was determined. At the top, he saw the most amazing thing he had ever seen. A tiny golden door was set into the rock. Milo knocked three times. From inside came a voice. “At last,” it said. “We’ve been waiting for you.”

Critique:

Positive: The last sentence sets up suspense, although the group was not sure how well a young audience would understand it.

Could improve: There was a question over why being a small dragon is assumed to mean that Milo would not be brave. Some thought the wording was condescending or simplistic. Some thought the ‘tired and scared’ sentence was superfluous. There were also questions about the target age of the intended audience. Typo: ‘extremly’.