Ricci Schwarzler - Return, Interesting, Judge, Struggle, Supreme, Germ

‘Jono, it’s me.’

‘Yeah, what d’ja want?’

‘Well, you know how you said you could return a favour to me for helping you do better and getting 43% in your English essay?’

‘Yeah. Mum was really pleased with that,’ Jono said proudly.

‘Yeah, well I need you to get something for me.’

‘Yeah, what?’

‘Well, you see there’s this girl I really, really like and I know I can talk to her ok, but I don’t really know how to get her into bed.’

‘Yeah right, so?’

‘Well, I was thinking, there’s a drug you can get that makes them like commatosed…’

Jono in his professional opinion as a minor drug dealer said, ‘Yeah I know all about that. Me bruther uses it all the time.’

Astonished Luke said, ‘Does he?’

‘Yep, said it works great like.’

‘Shit really?’

‘How much does he use it?’

‘Oh pretty regular like.’

Luke was amazed by this. ‘Bloody hell ok, well can you get me some?’

‘Sure, see me tomorrow in the arvo, down the servo. I’ll be walking around looking like I’m buying meself a samich so I look cool and casual like.’

‘Right,’ said Luke, wondering to himself how wandering around looking at buying a sandwich is going to make him look cool. But anyway, he was very excited. If he could just get Gaynor drowsy, without having to get her drunk that would be great. Because he knows it’s not good getting a girl drunk and then forcing sex on her.

The big night came. Jono delivered with pharmacological comments on the dispensing of the drug. ‘Yeah, just don’t give her too much or you might kill her.’

‘Right, so how much is too much?’

‘Oh, you know, too much.’

Luke was slightly worried, but he brushed it away with thoughts of an exciting night finally getting Gaynor into bed. Wow it was going to be amazing he thought to himself.

‘So, both you Mr Luke Grant and you Mr Connor Jones are aware of what you have done?’

Both Luke and Jono looked at the Judge with wide eyed confusion.

‘Yes your Honour’ said Luke as instructed by his Barrister.

‘Yeah mate’ said Jono, as NOT instructed by his Barrister.

‘I seem to be struggling with this interesting case gentlemen.’

‘Yeah right’ said Jono, happy with the compliment. He looked at his mother and smiled. She didn’t return the smile as she was slightly more intelligent than her son and was worried.

‘So, Mr Grant you purchased a drug to use on Miss Gaynor Blade for the purpose of, in your words, making her comatosed, for the purpose of having sexual relations without her consent?’

Luke had seen his mistake in this on the evening and was pleading guilty. ‘Yes, your Honour.’

‘Mr Jones, you provided the drug, and in your words, “in my professional opinion I thought it was gunna wipe her out, so Luke could do you know what to her” is that correct?’

‘Yep, that’s it.’

‘Yep, that’s it your Honour’ corrected the Judge.

‘Oh no my names Connor, not Honour. I think that’s your name.’ Again, Jono looked at his mum with pride.

‘So, from what I understand from Miss Blade, the drug was put into her drink, and after an unknown time, she found herself hyper focused on a bug crawling across the floor. She was talking excitedly and could not draw her attention away from the bug, no matter how much Mr Grant attempted to lure her onto the bed or remove her clothes. She struggled to stop him but her obsession and focus on the bug could not allow her to escape. After some time, her repeated and excited babbling about the bug was heard by the neighbours who came to investigate. They found her dishevelled and could not draw her away from the bug, but she did manage to tell them that you Mr Grant kept trying to remove her clothes. Is this correct?’

‘Yes, your Honour.’

‘So it appears from the evidence provided to me, that the drug provided by Mr Jones in his infinite wisdom, was not what was requested, and instead Mr Jones confused the term ‘comatose’ with ‘concentrate’ and instead had supplied Mr Grant with his brother’s medication called Ritalin, instead of that which Mr Grant wanted called Rohypnol. I find both parties guilty of charges.  If it were only possible, I would add further charges for your supreme stupidity, However, if only more criminals were as supremely stupid as you both then a lot more women would escape sexual assault incidents. Constable, please remove these germs from my courtroom.’