‘Well it’s closed.’ ‘WHAT! I’m dying for dinner! That’s crap. How can it be closed? It’s always open.’ ‘Well it seems that it is. We were told if we weren’t here on time it would be shut.’ ‘That’s bullshit. That woman is a nightmare. Just because we’re a little late, SHE CLOSES!’ A lady stood at the door and smiled at them, refusing to open up. ‘MUMMMMMMM, OPEN THE DOOR AND LET US IN. I WANT DINNER!! THAT’S NOT FAIR.’ The lady smiles more and walks off. ‘Awwww M

The knife was held to her throat. ‘What if this is a real knife? What if the actor is really going to kill me? What do I know about her? Did I check to ensure the knife was the prop knife? OH MY GOD, I DIDN’T!’ With that Kala grabbed the hand with the knife, she reefed the arm out away from the actors body, twisted it around…and whoops, she broke it. The actor wreathed around the stage in pain. The audience applauded. The director closed the curtain to a standing ovation. The

She sat on the table watching her mother cook. Her five-year-old legs dangling and swinging as she watched. ‘I want to sit on the bench.’ ‘You can’t.’ ‘But I want to. I can’t see what you’re doing.’ ‘Well you can’t and that’s not a good reason to put your dirty little bottom on the bench.’ ‘Why not?’ ‘Because I said so.’ ‘Well, that’s not a good reason.’ Outsmarted by her five-year-old daughter the mother continued cooking with the ferocity of someone outsmart

‘Darlin, just try a little harder.’ ‘But I am Mummy, all I can do is try my hardest.’ Mummy hated being outsmarted by her 5yo. ‘But I just don’t think you are really trying that hard.’ ‘Oh Mummy how could you say that. I ran around the field chasing that ball and all those other players kept getting in the way…and it’s really, really hot.’ ‘Yes Darling, but you just didn’t seem to kick it very hard when you did get to it.’ ‘Well, I didn’t want to hurt anyone, and

Through a particularly brilliant piece of thinking she brought in the idea of outsourcing the reproduction of flora. What she didn’t need was for trees and plants to move about. She had considered it, but it would unfortunately disrupt some of her other terrific designs, particularly mycelium and other creepy crawlies that lived under the plants…and cicadas (for which she had not yet come up with a purpose and probably never would). She’d create something called wind. It wo

The sky was heavy and black, but it wasn’t night time. Everyone looked up at the ominous black clouds. BOOM, Crackle, SMASH! The lightning erupted over the houses. Mother Nature looked on and said to herself, “There’s a nice bit of entertainment for you mere immortals. Instead of watching your screens, look outside at the wonders I can create. You think you’re so clever with your mechanical and electrical inventions but they are nothing. You will never surpass me.” The mortal

‘You’re a bright spark’ he said nastily. ‘Am I?’ I said proudly ‘Dont be smart with me Missy!’ ‘But my name is Jodie, not Missy and I can’t help being smart.’ ‘I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU! How dare you question me and come up with ideas in front of the other people in the meeting.’ ‘But actually, you asked if anyone had any other ideas…and I did.’ ‘THAT WASN’T A QUESTION FOR PEOPLE TO ANSWER’ ‘Oh so it was rhetorical.’ ‘NO you idiot, it was just a question you ask but you don’t ne

I’m staring out from my hidey hole. Leaves protect me. They can’t see me. Those great big fat black and white things. Munching non-stop on the leaves. My God there’ll be none left. No wonder they are soooo fat. I look at the leaves hiding me. There are so many of them. I can’t believe they haven’t headed over to them and discovered me. I look longingly at the leaves that are hiding me. I’ve eaten all the others around me. Time to start on these ones. It doesn’t matter if

‘I’ve tried to tell him’ ‘And what does he say?’ ‘He keeps telling me “In his experience”, if I hear that once more I’m going to stab him with my pencil in true John Wick fashion. He’s an idiot. I don’t trust him. Something is just not quite right.’ ‘Hmm I know what you mean. It’s as if he’s playing a part and saying sentences that he doesn’t understand or if he does he’s certainly not going to deliver on, but they sound impressive.’ ‘Yep, agree. He’s a Hollowman and

I’m five years old and I know what I want. I want to be a ballerina. I love watching it on telly, twirling and jumping and looking ever so graceful. I’m five, I know I can do those fancy moves too and I want those pointe shoes. None of those ballet slippers for me, I know what I want. I discussed this regularly with Mummy whilst we were watching TV, whilst she was cooking the dinner, whilst she was washing up, cleaning, ironing, cleaning the fish tank and mowing the lawn. I

I’ve been asked if I wanted some Kefir. I knew what it was, but I had no idea that you actually grew the stuff. I picked up my jar of Kefir without really noticing. I popped it into the car and drove home. When I got home, I walked into the kitchen and put it on the bench, and noticed with alarm that the glass jar was looking rather concerned. I looked closer at it and then noticed that the Kefir was looking out with evil intent…even though it doesn’t have a face. Every littl

They gathered under the light of the blood moon. Well, it was a dull red light but a light nonetheless. George looked around at his brethren. They were there to pray and adore the red moon. He spoke to his brethren every day. They hung around, all day and all night. They just wouldn't leave. Actually, he couldn't get rid of them. Sometimes they would bump into him and annoy him. Quite frankly he was over this praying to a blood moon nonsense. They would hang about naked with

Too late, You’re always late, Its late, I’m late, Too late…again. Lateness is only as good as someone else’s ‘on timeness’. If they were late they might not know I was late. If they are on time then they will definitely know I was late. So when you come from a family with no emotional intelligence and it really is too late to tell one of them that you love them, then it is too late. It’s done, it’s dusted, there are no other opportunities. Bad luck, tough luck. So it

Nina drove along the road and could see her old teacher who made her life miserable. She was so nasty that she made children wee their pants in fear. But wouldn’t you know it, if the spring on her right hand side wheel came missiling off, closely missing the car next to her. Thank god it didn’t hurt the driver and her kids. The spring continued on its journey and went straight through her teacher’s chest. ‘Oh there you go’ she thought to herself, ‘it was as if Nemesis...

It was one of those days in August in the southern hemisphere, at about 32 degrees latitude, where it was on the cusp of winter and spring. When the wind wasn’t blowing it was hot in the sun, but as the wind circled around, you could feel that slight bitterness of winter. She knew there was someone who needed her help. She felt it. She could feel it in her mind and wisping around her body like the breeze. She didn’t know who it was at this point. All she could do was stand on

Cath our boss, walked in to the office and said, ‘Can one of you guys talk to Mark when he comes in today, about the job in Tamworth please? We need to ensure he has the crane sorted?’ I didn’t see anything wrong with what she said and just got on with my work waiting for Mark to turn up. Everybody else (of which we are all female) did the same. A bit later on Mark the client walked in and said, ‘Morning guys Cath told me I need to fill someone in on the issues with t

“Hey Jack, what seems to be the problem?” ”You’re doing an awful lot of coughing.” “I’m not sure, I just can’t seem to stop.” “It wouldn’t be bird flu, would it?” “Don’t be so ridiculous do I look like a bird?” “Well, actually, yes. We’re pigeons for God’s sake! Coo coo, cooety coo coo.”

I’m waiting to see the doctor and contemplating her comments about every issue I have relating to age. Oh dear here it comes. ‘Well yes your aches and pains are due to your age.’ ‘What?’ ‘Yes, as we get older our bodies just aren’t what they used to be.’ ‘Hang on how old do you think I am?’ ‘Oh well it doesn’t matter.’ ‘Do you really say that to someone who’s 20?’ ‘Oh well no.’ ‘Okay so stop putting every fucking issue I have down to age and listen to what I’m telling you?’ S

It was an old Stonebridge with arches and thick sides. It must’ve been 400 years old. It was ancient. She was told to come to the bridge and meet her boss. It was a bit of a strange request but she knew her boss had been after her for years and she wanted to see if he actually fit the dropkick persona that she’d always given him. Maybe he was misunderstood and she was the only one that misunderstood him. She walked up the side of the river as the winter rains had filled it

Lined up in our chairs, waiting to be butchered...I feel like I should know what it’s like to cut through someone’s skin with a scalpel. Instead I wait for my turn to be the butchered. Should I have checked that the surgeon is actually qualified? Instead of just relying on seeing him in a fancy office and taking it for granted. Surely the fact I’m in a fancy hospital with lots of busy nurses running around is a good sign. Mind you I am always confident that I could perform